Queen of Tomorrow.

After broke up for around four months, finally saw him. Yesterday after Sunday morning prayer, went to his house while waiting for Jenni to wake up to go shopping, he was still sleeping. The moment I saw him, I really felt like running over him and hug him, smell him and kiss him. OMG! I am so going to be insane very soon! I am very sure that I still love him very much.

He totally treat me like I don't exist loh, he doesn't even want to look at me! Yes, I know is damn weird and the feeling very awkward. Sigh.

We can't get back together anymore? But I really miss him, really.

Alright, I will continue update my livejournal, because my feeling hasn't fade yet. (:

Xoxo.

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry
I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
Do remember all the memories and appreciate
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes
You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye

angel-ng.blogspot

NOOOOOOO! I don’t want to have that music video ending ok?! Doesn’t matter who you are and what are you! I still love you so much! That is stupid if both are loving each other yet not together.

Another month just passes, and my menstrual hasn’t come yet. There is nothing red but white! What is happening to me? Am I diagnosing with any sickness? Am I going to die very soon?

What a long day I had. Woke up at 7am, went to school for exam (fuck! Never know is 50% and I never study at all). Then after exam, start working. I was very sad because I heard you talking to me like you felt very annoyed. I still concern about you although I’m really really really busy. I just want to talk to you for the reason that I’m very tension and once I hear the sweet voice of yours will make me calm down and less worry. All I need is you. You are like a potion to me, and I am so addicted to you.

Work work work work work, work until I just came back. Working, rushing finals for whole day long, coming home late at night, still no one care, no one ever call me asking have I eaten or what time am I coming home. And then speeding all the way home, journey of 40 minutes in the middle of the night alone, really exhausted! However in the mean time, I’m still missing you so much. I really trying my best to work so damn hard, but half of my brain still thinking of you while working. Can’t help, can’t control.

How I wish I can get support and love from you.

 

How are you? Are you forgetting me? Why didn’t you admit you lied so much to me? I know and it’s really hurt, do you know the feeling is? But I don’t mind at all, I rather just keep quiet instead of argue, but why are you still remember things that I did (but at least I never hide, I’m honest) and charge me? Do you still remember the picture you display in MSN is the picture I took for you in a bus stop at Summerset when the first time I visited you for five happiest days? You do still keep all the pictures we took, isn’t it? Are you afraid of admit? Why do you want to force you and me to forget?

 

My dearest, I just can’t stand for long. I’m tired of pretending nothing happen for the last sweetest 7 months. I am so proud of loving you. It is my sweetest moment of my life being love and in love with you so much.

This is the best song ever, the only music video will make me cry and at anytime! I've been watching this music video for 4 to 5 years, and until today I will still cry when I watch it.


It’s impossible to understand what’s going through a guy’s heart
You told me that you wanted me and now that I’ve given you everything. You tell me you’re leaving.
You told me that it was the first time you felt this way, and said that I was special.
I believe you, and it was my happiness.

You should have told me that your feelings had faded.
I had no idea, and I continued to depend on you.
Although I say I hate you now, I’ll be missing you.
Because I’m a girl, to whom love is everything.

They say that when you give a guy all he wants he quickly gets bored,
And now I know that’s the truth.
And although I tell myself, I’ll never be tricked by love again.
I fall in love, and my heart is broken again.

Please don’t break the heart of girls, who’ll do anything for love.
I didn’t know that living this life while being loved would be so hard.

[Today we broke up,
You told me to meet someone better than you, and be happy.
You’re just like all the other guys.
What happened to when you told me that you loved me?
Honestly, I don’t want you to be happy.
What am I going to do if you really forget about me?
I’m in so much pain, more pain that I can bare.
Because I'm still in love with you.]

Aren't the lyrics portrait we, girls' feeling? SO SO SO SO SO TRUE!

Just cut my hair yesterday, thought wanted to look better. Regrettable, I don't like it at all. Pity my hair, because every time when I am under huge depression, I will just cut it off without consideration.

It’s been a week; my high fever and terrible flu still haven’t go off. I remember during Chinese New Year, had the first big argument with Eugene, he mentioned about breaking up, then I got fever for 11 days, no fake, I’m not lying, until we patched back. And now, the sickness is worst that that, I got terrible headache, very high fever and very bad flu. I never fall sick as bad as this; none of the outside men in this world can make me as bad as now.

My heart is aching too, every night I take very long to fall asleep and hugging the bolster as if is I'm laying on his chest, trying to recall his smell, everyday I’ll dream about him that we’re living happily, and every morning I wake up, I don’t feel like waking up at all, the first thing I think and miss is him, but is like another miserable day for me, because I know I no longer will receive text message from him every morning. Usually it only takes maximum 3 days to heal whenever I break up with anyone. Why it’s so difficult for me this time? Where is the Angel Ng who is a happy-go-lucky girl and always change boyfriends frequently?

I still remember the last time sleeping with him, I was sleeping on his chest while he was watching TV. Eventually he kissed my lips! I can feel him, I knew, because I was half asleep. He cared, he kept pulling on the blanket for me, in case I get cold. But why it’s so easy for him to let go, and so easily to forget everything about our sweet memories? What’s his heart made for that he can easily say he doesn’t love me anymore the next day? He just promised me that he will never leave me before I go for the test.

I’ve been praying to the god for days, but still don’t help. I told god that I don’t mind if I have to suffer in future, doesn’t matter what will he be in future, whether he’ll successful or fail, rich or poor, good or bad, handsome or ugly, I’m willing to follow him for life. I don’t mind to give up anything or everything, I just want him come back to me. I die die also want to be with him. I mean it this time. Is there anything can exchange to get him back?

Aiyo, so headache and heartache now! I miss him so, so, so much! I need to go to bed right now, my sickness is getting worst. Goodnight!

I am now discussing my management homework with group mates in online, but I have no idea what are they talking about. Been very stone recently, until now I got fever, flu and terrible headache. I will never want to touch Panadol in my whole entire life anymore.

I’m here now because feel very down all in sudden, I want to burst out, but I just realized that I can’t find anyone to talk to. I’ve been scrolling my MSN up and down up and down, can’t find someone to talk to me. Where are my friends? Most of them are “hi-bye” friends or party friends, however I already get rid of my party friends. This few days, Jinwern had been consulting and comforting me, but still it doesn’t help. Sometimes is not I’m childish for all, women have different point of view from men, she said childish man can’t handle me/us. Kind of regret for went to all-girl school, overreact is what I’ve learned.

So depressing, so, so, so, so depress, a feeling that I can’t descript at all. I never have this feeling before, like a big heavy stone pressing on my heart, trying to carry away but I can’t because the stone is like a precious diamond to me. Seriously, even my longest relationship for three years, and we broke up on the first day of my intern working day, I don’t feel as bad as this, I still can hide my tears. Maybe I wasn’t giving in as much as gave it to Eugene. I just don’t want to lose and waste what I’ve sacrificed.

I don’t tell myself everyday is taking time to heal, and is one less day I remember him. But I tell myself everyday is I’m close to our plan he made, and is one less day not seeing him and be there for him.

Basically everything in my life remind me of him, sometimes just a word can remind me of him, such as baby ah, promise, muacks, hugs, oh my, calling card, bear, O levels, long long, New Year, Christmas, surprise, dota, Moo Moo, Jr Gene, Barney, SRI (Thesis) nightmares, Milk, God, NS, gangsters, smoke, drugs, alcohol, bar, chalet, blog, fuck care, marriage, sex, chocolate factory, moose cake, almond nut, etc; things like phone, candle, puppies, cigarette, cable car, MRT, bus, Myvi, webcam, MSN, iPod, PSP, Friendster, Facebook, Church, Clairol Herbal Essences, bathtub, sling bag, tattoo, dragon, etc; movie like Thai horror movie/MTV, Beta House, 200 Pound Beauty, Ferryman, Ah Long Pte Ltd, etc; numbers like 17, 14, 19, 6, 9; colours like pink, brown and black; brands like Hello Kitty, Tough, Hush Puppies, Agnes B., Guess, River Island, LV, Kai, Ralph Lauren, DIOR, MNG, Forever 21, ZARA, Topshop, Esprit, etc. places like Singapore, Sentosa, Vivo City, Orchard, Parkway, Kallang, Geylang, Katong, east coast, Botanic Garden, KLCC, The Curve, Bintang, Isetan, Cyberjaya; etc; songs like Kiss Goodbye, Angels and Devils, (You Want To) Make A Memory, Xie xie Ai, house, D&B, etc. Whenever I see someone with blonde hair, and even every time I see Mcdonald! And a lot a lot a lot a lot more, imagine everything around me related to him, the biggest impact in my life!

Please give me another chance can? I promise I won't give trouble. I want to prove. Make it the last man I ever want to love and care.

It's our 7th month anniversary today, and I love him infinitely more than anyone else in this whole wide world! However, my heart tells to what the title written. Can’t carry on the other side of the partner is not showing love, at all. Quite nonsense to believe someone if he tells you "I'll give up everything for you", and ridiculously he will also give up on you too.

Let me tell you a story.

Once upon a time, in far far away island, there's a couple, Mr Crab and Ms Kitty (I have no idea how a Crab fucks a Cat). They will very loving and promises made like nothing in this world can separate the lovely couple. Unfortunately, time has change. Mr Crab said he loves the previous Ms Kitty, who doesn’t love Mr Crab as much as the present. That is why, previously, Ms Kitty doesn’t really bother to care (the "care" is Mr Crab so-called irritating). However he loves the previous Ms Kitty, Mr Crab thinks Ms Kitty is irritating, because Ms Kitty cares too much. Isn’t it is better when Ms Kitty increase her loves to Mr Crab?

At the same time, Ms Kitty loves the previous Mr Crab, who was so caring, sweet and loving. However in present, Mr Crab no longer caring, sweet and loving, that is why Mr Crab starts showing cold attitudes to Ms Kitty. Isn’t its bad?

Since two of them loves the previous each other, why not the go back to whom they were? Can’t be just expecting one to change for another, right? Take for example, if Ms Kitty change to be who she was like the one Mr Crab used to loves, but Mr Crab is still showing cold attitudes, it can’t work. Perhaps Mr Crab may think depends on Ms Kitty’s changes first, unfortunately Ms Kitty’s loves will decrease if Mr Crab still continue showing his cold attitudes. If Mr Crab change back to the one used to be caring, sweet and loving, but Ms Kitty is still sound so irritating, it will down grad, also can’t work. Thus there must be cooperative between each other, because love is not just about one.

The conclusion is relationships create confusions, and killing brain cells. Because I don’t know what the hell craps am I talking about.  -_-

Anyway, will close down this journal pretty soon, MAYBE. Since it's a journal of he and me, and if there's no update of us, so why not? Goodbye.

Today chatted with Patrick, who I knew him from Omens Studios during my internship. He's actually from the Singapore's branch, but sometimes he had to come over to compose the video. There was a few times I got sent to help him because due to the deadline was near and he really needs help. He's a Singaporean, yet very, very humble and friendly. Although he's in his early thirties, but we still get along with each other and other colleagues.

I got scared after listening to him about army. Because I told him that baby is going to NS this year. Then he started telling me terrifying stories. He said there are many relationships breaking off during the NS.


Patrick - Double Negative says:
cos army its another stage in his growing life. its like a traumatic thing to some people, or a stage where people change their perspective of life. some become better, others lose hope or turn negative. it sort of depends on the people around him, the people he mixes with. many relationships break up when the guy is in army. if his character is strong, then he will mix around with the right people that clicks with him, then its ok. and if your relationship is strong then it should be fine

Patrick - Double Negative says:
you have to be extra understanding. at this stage of his ns life
try to listen to his stories, his experience inside

Patrick - Double Negative says:
some people with different character, they kena shit in camp, dunno how to deal with the stress, come back, vent it on his family. different people react differently under stress


OMG OMG OMG!! He's scaring me! I don't want my relationship with baby got ruined! I'm now extraordinarily worry! I love him dreadfully.



Wah, didn't know you're so smart to highlight the words just to stalk how's my life going on. It's none of your business! If you're not the one, then don't read.



However, baby hasn't call/contact me for a day or two, he never want to talk to me anymore? I don't know. It's all up to him, pointless if I keep forcing him and chase him like a mad cow. Is rather I just be an unmovable doll or just leave him forever. I'm always standing at the worries side. I even worry for when he's going to NS which is still long, even though our relationship now is unstable, and I wonder whether does he ever worry anything for me? I'm quite tired of clapping with my own single hand. After all, the feeling I'm having now I have to bare alone, and no one cares. If he loves me, he'll call me. Like I said, just let it be.


Life is just me, my PC and my two blogs which help me to release slightly of my tenses. Perhaps, I am invisible to the world or the other way round human are invisible to me. "I hope you go jump into Klang River" is what I got told by the society. I never touch drugs before, I never kill human and animals, not even insects, I never find fault with anyone, I never ruin people's friendships and relationships, I never create big lies, I never steal, I never curse people to death, I believe I have lesser sin than numerous zillions of people on earth. But the society just hoping and praying for me to go die faster, especially the one I truthfully love, that's really hurt. But it doesn't matter, I'm just a junk to the world, isn't it?

Good news! THANK GOD! I woke the god up and he immediately saved me first, I’ve been queuing up in front of his gate for quite some times already. Why?

Firstly, I am so freaking damned happy with my relationship. We’re so good, we never quarrel in these days, and we’re back to normal. Because we had made a deal, get over and leave all the bad memories behind and stop mention it anymore. And it’s work! We’re living so happily together right now. Most importantly is, like we just finishing talking on the phone, and he said HE LOVES ME! HE LOVES ME! HE LOVES ME! As well as I LOVE HIM! I LOVE HIM! I LOVE HIM SO, SO, SO MUCH!

Secondly, seems like another blog of mine is doing so well! Hahahaha! Number of reader is increasing; number of supporter is also increasing. Surprisingly they actually PM me to tell me it’s interesting and entertaining. My new blog mostly is about discrimination, and unexpectedly people love to read. Hahahaha! GREAT!

Isn’t life is peaceful now?

Although I’m fucking tension with damned MAYA (the 3D software that I based on)!!! Either just shut down windows without warning, or windows error (with the annoying sound effect: DANG!!!), or whatever weird funny stupid things will happen, and it loves to happen before I save my work. Now even worst, my MAYA is not responding! IT’S HASSLING MY BRAIN SO BADLY! So, if anyone of you are using MAYA, I suggest just use MAYA 7, it’s more stable and reliable. My itchy backside upgraded to MAYA 8.5, and I encounter so many problems! But actually there are nothing much different in MAYA 7 and MAYA 8.5, slightly different only.

Fuck, this month menstrual hasn't come leh, now already end of the month. My menstrual comes constantly every month, impossible keep delaying! So stressful! So lethargic!

So many things to do, so many things to animate animate animate, so many notes to read about fucking economics (why the fuck Economics course need to be compulsory for designing/animation students?), so many things to worried!

After my one week mid term break, I realised I've just wasted half fucking semester doing absolutely nothing, but WAIT! Waiting for submission, waiting to graduate, waiting to shit, waiting for money, waiting to get marry (yeeee, euuiiiikkkk!), waiting to die, most fucked up is WAITING FOR PHONE CALL!



Dear God, stop sleeping and being lazy to safe human on earth! Pathetic!

Don't want to write this in my new blog, most of my posts are basically about him, him, him and him, otherwise reader will get bored with me, so better continue write here things about him.

I miss him so much, but I can't tell. I'm crying every night and can't sleep, but I can't tell. I sound so stupid. Stupid enough to stand him talking to me like an animal. Although I starting to know the truth what's actually going on, starting to know he lie to me more that I do. But I willing to be the dumbest girl of all, just want him back so badly. It's easy for everyone to say let go of him, like they said "he's still young", "he's too young to commit", "he doesn't know what he wants", " he's so childish", "never think before he speak", "he's talking to animals lehh!", "wake up from you dream lah!!", and etc. Although so many of them comfort me, but still doesn't help. He's thinking is far more different from us, because we are all 21 years old ad above, we don't understand what are they thinking, as our time was so different when we were 17. But what if I tell you guys I'm that stupid to wait and stand for it? Yes, I'm stupid. I just can't believe that I'm falling in love with him so damned much!

I wish I can go back to the beginning of the relationship, I was quiet, and no matter he disappoint me so much, but I still smile and say it's ok. I regret for my impatient act, i bugged him too much, I know how much I try to hurt myself, still doesn't help me to bring back how we used to be. We were so strong to fight obstacles, he's the one who taught me to be strong in fighting obstacles, but now he choose to give up. My temper was good at the beginning because I know he really loved me that much. But things are different now, I'm acting differently now is because he started to treat me so different, and I'm so worry and lost confident, I don't want to lose him, I got to chase back our relationship, that's why I want to talk to him so badly, but I didn't mean to irritate him. I'm really sorry, I got to admit that recently I don't know why my mood swings worst than I used to be, I always get angry and I can't control my emotion. I sincerely apologize, I'm so sorry.

I've been thinking so much, even suicide, so I can free from Eugene, free from homework, free from parents' nagging, free from sisters' bitching, free from friends' backstabs, free from stress, free from worries, free from tedious, free from aching, free from fears, free from depression, free from despair, free from final year project, free from school, free from EVERY FUCKING THINGS. But I just can't leave my parents and most importantly, EUGENE! I still want to care about him, give all my love to him, hug him, kiss him and be with him.



AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!










Still doesn't help, no matter how much I shout! WTF?!



-



Dear Eugene,
I miss you so much! I still miss you even if you've changed quite a lot. I still miss you even if you don't miss me or have no more feeling on me. I still miss you even you treat me uninterestedly and mean. I still miss you, really badly. I just want to get back with you. I love you so much, and I'm willing to give up anything on earth just to be with you.

Wheee, I'm switching to new blog. Let's give a try and see how things go. :D

-

Something forget to be mentioned, he told me:

             " FUCK OFF LA! "

Oh great! Just great! Isn't that's wonderful? First time in my life, someone, who I loved the most, care the most, committed, sacrificed and want him so badly, is a HE, and four years younger than me, told me to FUCK OFF! Never mind, I screwed this life, and I wish to live a better life in the next coming life, far away from LOVE.

It's easy for him, since he had burned all the stuffs that leave our memories. I'm not worth to remember, nothing can remind him of me, ANGEL NG! Grrreeeeaattesst love of all!

First off, yesterday I was so damn happy when I called him in the morning. I heard something unexpected sentence from him.

             " I miss you too! "

Geeeezz! That would be one of my happiest morning in my life! In the afternoon when we chat, sigh, he’s still cold, but I still can take it. At night when I called him again, he sounds ok too, at least he still ‘teh’ me, when I asked for it. I thought everything will be alright, if we continue communicate like this, it might improve our relationship.

Unfortunately, things weren’t gone smoothly today. I waited for so long, from morning to afternoon, waited for him to wake up. I even sent a sweet message to him through SMS, maybe it might reminds him to reply me back when he’s awake. But my handphone ain’t ringing. All of sudden, I checked my MSN whether is he online yet, and yes, there he was! But he doesn’t bother to message me. So I asked him why didn’t he message me.

             " My handphpne battery run out. now still charging. "
(Well, he still can message me while charging his phone. What is it got to do with battery ran out?)
             " I just woke up. Feeling a little lazy to do anything. "
             " Even messaging me? You don't feel like talking to me? "
             " Can you stop assuming? I said I was just lazy to do anything. "
(WTH? What does he mean? Do you guys get what he said? The reason he gave me that he doesn’t reply me is because he’s lazy to do anything. So am I assuming or he’s just told me?)
             " Then why you never message me first? i also didn't know you online. You keep changing nicks. "
             " Thought you put me in a group "BABY", just the two of us? "
             " That should be the question I’ll be asking you. "
(WTH again? He doesn’t realize I’m online, isn’t that I’m the one should question him?)
             " It’s just a group thing. Why like that also want to pick problem. "
(He asked me to make the "group thing" just for him, he started first, but now he said that to me. Right after we broke up once last few weeks, he deleted my pictures, he burn all the things I gave him/we bought together, and totally deleted me off as if I don’t exist)
             " Alright, I’m tired, I need to go to nap. So can I go to bed now? "
             " Go la, why ask me sia. "
(HELL YES! He just said “SIA” = SIAL? Isn’t that’s wonderful?)

Ok, then after I took my nap, I thought everything will be fine, so I called him, but he never pick up. Then I keep calling, keep trying the next 15 minutes, I tried calling him for 5 times, but he never pick! So I sent a message to him, asking where he is. After 2 hours, he replied me,

             “ I working la. Busy. ”

So I waited him to finish work at 1am, I called him at 1.30. Because I message him, but he never reply, yet around 9pm he asked me why I never reply him. Then he told me he can’t talk to me for long because of the incoming call will charged ad it’s expensive, and he wants to go for supper with his colleagues. He said he will message me. Ok, so I message him, guess what I get?

             “ CAN I EAT IN PEACE? ” 

Does he has to be so sarcastic and mean? I'm not just his girlfriend but also childhood friend for 17 years ok!

Sigh. I became so numb. I really don’t know what to say. Why all of sudden, the Eugene who I used to know and the Eugene who I talk to today, are totally two different people. If you guys have read his blog before, read what he wrote in the past few months, and then compare what I said today. I can’t recognize him, I can’t recognize myself. Tell me what am I doing?

-

ANGEL! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKING?! YOU LOSER SLUT! SHAME ON YOU, BITCH!

Love doesn't exist in this fucking world. Don't be naive! Trust is a lie!

It is so difficult being me. If I leave him calm down, I'll just let go the opportunity and our relationship will shut off. If I call him, either he doesn't pick up the call or just talk to me uninterestedly or scold me from the start to the end of the conversation, then slam my call. Like all my friends said, actually I don't deserve to lose my pride like this, there's so many guys out there and there are easy. But HELLO FRIENDS, DO YOU GUYS UNDERSTAND?! I LOVE HIM! I'M NOT FOOLING! IT'S NOT EASY TO LET GO! Five month isn't long, but isn't easy, it's not easy for me, because I've given and depend on him so much.

Cheats and affairs are crime in a relationship. He said I cheated on him, he said that I lie. He even calls me "big fat liar". He pointed out all the things I've made in the past. At the beginning, hell yes, maybe I was a bit shaky about relationship with him. But I was touched by his love and he made me so crazily in love with him. He said all my promises are lies and he cannot take it anymore. Well, what about me? where's all his promises go? But now, it's not the time comparing and blaming each other. I swear to the god, I never cheat! I don't even dare to cheat because if I do, I'll feel very guilty. If i ever want to cheat, am i so stupid to tell him that I went to bar and club? If I don't tell, he will never know. I just don't want any misunderstanding and secret hiding behind us, I'm just trying to be honest telling him everything, and maybe he'll do the same thing, as tell me everything happening to him. But end up, I get scolded like a bitch!

If I only want his money, there are so many male friends of mine at my age and older are working and rich. Then why would I cheat his money while he's still a student? Moreover it's so hard for me to meet him and ask for money. If I only love to sleep around, and fuck around, I would not promise and stop going to club (although now I have no more interest) and going out with my male friends. And why would I find someone so far away and I can only see him once a month or two? If I’m not serious in this relationship, do you think I will stand all the words shoot out from him, offend me and humiliate me? I was so pissed off, but I couldn’t say anything because if I ever fight back, this relationship will be gone. So is better just keeping quiet and apologies. I believe none of the girls can just allow anyone humiliate them by having sex around with men.

The funny  thing is, he told me that he gets inspire by an old couple, they love each other for quarter of their life. And some of his friends, who are very strong in their relationship, no matter what life throw to them, they are still strong and obstacles can't break them off. And he told me he wants to be the same too, together with me. But now isn't I'm not the one who doesn't want to work out in the relationship. Everything is his decision, he wants to improve the relationship, that's the choice he made, and he doesn't want to help working out in this relationship, that's also the choice he made. I'm neither a doll nor a puppet, not like when he wants to love me, and then come over, and when he feels lazy and bored, he doesn't even want to talk to me. I am responsible from my own tempers. I'm learning to understand my tempers as the actions of my unconscious. But he still has to work out with me, I can't do this alone. As i can't control everything too.

I’m already 21 year old, but I’m begging so hard for a guy who is younger than me four years to come back to me. Isn’t that’s ridiculous if I’m just playing around? If I’m just fooling around, will I lose my dignity to a guy who is younger than me four years? If I’m fooling in this relationship, again and again he keeps pointing out my bad to find argument; I’ll just get so fed up and will walk away, fuck care and find other victim to play around. People who know me, they judge me as a person who will never change for men, arrogant, expect everyone obey me, easily get fed up, living with my own world and will never let anyone control. But see what am I today? Still doubt my love to him?

-

Sigh. Maybe I'm just a failure in relationship. I didn't know that living this life while being loved would be so difficult.

-

Always love you baby, Eugene.

 Quarrels, tears, break ups and despairs, keep repeating on Eugene and me for 18 days. I was in so much pain, more pain than I can bear, beacause I'm so crazily in love with him. People said that you give a guy all he wants, he will quickly get bored. Although I told myself, I will never be tricked by love again. But I fall in love with him, because I believed him, he lo me that it was the first time he felt this way, and said that I was special. He told me that he wanted me and now I've given him everything, but he told me he's leaving. No one can get in the way of what I'm feeling now. I didn't know that living this life while being loved would be so hard. I'm jua girl who thinks love is everything.

Was it my fault? Somewhere along the line, I started hurting the people I care most about, and I can't figure out how to stop. Mistakes happen in a moment and it takes days, weeks, months, and sometimes even years to make up for them. Sometimes we have to fight to come to terms with the past and sometimes we bury our regret by promising to change our ways. My biggest regrets are not just for the things "I did, but the things I didn't do. The things I didn't say that could save the relationship with someone I care and love so much. Especially when I can see the dark storm that's headed their way.

I may not know what I'm doing but I'll try making things better. When that night I was suffering almost to death. I was so scared and terrified. Then I saw him and heard him calling me "baby", very gently. So I promised myself that I could help myself and get to him, and I want to tell him how much I need him, how much I want him, and how nothing else matters. I can't do this alone but if he'll take a chance on me, we can do great things together. I promise. If he believes in me, I'll find the courage to reach for his every dream.

So I went to see him on Tuesday (26 Feb). Yes, I am so glad and thank god that I have him back. At first i don't know how to react when I saw him. But then end up, I couldn't help myself, and went over to hugged him, very tightly. Then is like, we don't need to say anything, and we know that we still love each other very much. This trip, we did nothing much, and never plan of doing anything. My main reason of going over there is to see my baby. I know that there's a lot of pressure bugging on him. We just went for dinner at Parkway, then caught a movie at the new Leisure Park. Supposing, we wanted to walk from Parkway to Leisure Park, but I was too weak to walk, so not even half of the journey, we capped there. The movie was quite funny, called "Ah Long Pte Ltd". I was so glad that I had romantic moment with baby. He hugged and kissed me all the time. Then we headed back to rest. I was so tired, and slept like a pig, but baby couldnt sleep, he kept distubed me and watched TV until 4am. In the morning, we woke up early, and went to Orchard, Far East for chicken rice. Then went back home by coach.

I was disappointed when he told me that he doesn't love me as much as he used to. I was so ashame because his prents starting to hate me. I apologise to whatever I've done. I hope he can see my appreciation to him, it's not just about time and money spent all the way to there to see him, I even sacrificed my studies and friends for him. I'm willing, althought I have so many things and homework to worry for. I just want him to be happy, and be the someone for him.

After went through the final crit and no celebration for Christmas, thought we can celebrate our New Year. Unfortunately, is the submission week of animatic and thesis final draft! Meaning, again we couldn’t have the chance for New Year! But, Hello, it’s NEW YEAR! It’s important to me! It’s far more important than celebrate Christmas! Why do the lecturers so not understanding?


A day before New Year eve, I had a big fight with Gene. So I decided to go to Singapore on New Year eve to celebrate New Year with him. We fought until 6 in the morning, then I went to bed and woke up at 9am, actually I wanted to wake up at 7-8am but I couldn’t help myself being lazy. Then I quickly pack my bags and dressed up. And fucked up is, I have to take bus to the city because this week my second elder sister wants to use my car and I have no car! I leave house at 10.30, I don’t know how to take bus and this was my first time taking bus alone. After asking around, this and that, finally I reached the KL old railway at 1pm! Then I rush to the ticket counter, the earliest ticket I can get is 7pm, what the fuck?! By that time I reach Singapore is 12 midnight! Fortunately, lucky me, the man asked me again how many tickets I want, and I only want 1 ticket, he helped me to get the stewardess’s sit at 3pm! Phew! But another thing bugging me was how to contact Gene! Because my mom cut off my phone line and I don’t have any Singapore notes, neither Malaysian notes too! While waiting, I went to online but Gene wasn’t online, lucky after waiting for few minutes, he finally came online! Is like the whole day was so bad luck, then after few minutes my luck changed from bad to goods. Reached Singapore at 8pm. We quickly dressed up then we decided to spend our new year at Clark Quay. The place was crowded. I always wanted to go MOS, but the queue was so fucking long. So end up we have our drink in Candy Bar. We have our great time chatting in Candy Bar. Then after that we walk past Arena, and baby saw the boss standing in front. Then he approached him and he let us go in through the VIP lane. Then baby got scolded for paying cover charge, they returned back the money to him. The club was quite cool. After awhile, we went to McDonald’s for supper then went back to Arena. Baby got drunk, after drinking Waterfall, and it was free! So we decided to go home, but sadly it was almost impossible to get a cab. So we walked and walked all the way from Clarke Quay to City Hall, I didn't even realise that it was so far! At long last, we got into a cab and went back to sleep and baby knocked out on my lap, surprisingly he got sober very fast.

Reached back at the hotel and slept. Woke up pretty early in the morning but went back to sleep because I was too tired, baby was still asleep, probably beacause he was drunk last night. Woke up late and had to check out early otherwise there will be transit fee of $10+. Hahah, but we still checked out late because both of us had to pack and get ready. We headed down to Copthorne Orchid to get my coach ticket first before leaving for brunch at Orchard road. He brought me to eat the one of the best chicken rice in Orchard road. Walked around before heading to a nearby shop to get a wrist strap for baby's PSP and my handphone, and new pair of ear rings because there was a special offer.

We walked down Orchard to Cineleisure because I wanted to buy snacks and water for my journey back. It started to drizzle right after we stepped out of the building and afraid that we might be late for the coach, we took a cab. Didn't really have enough time to spend with baby, but both of us enjoyed celebrating new year together! :)

This week is the final crit for FA and everyone is rushing, rushing, rushing! There’s just so much work to be done and then so little time on my hands. I couldn’t even have the chance for Christmas celebration. I’ve a simple Christmas this year, yet the sweetest Christmas. Because Gene came all over, 5 hours journey just to spend 28 hours with me in Malaysia for Christmas.

Gene waited for me for an hour, and then we went to Sungei Wang to have our Christmas Eve dinner in Nando’s. After dinner, we headed back to Cyberjaya. Around 12 plus, we went to Cool Bar beside Old Town with Emily, Jiaho, Laphong and Kianhua for some drinks. After that, we went to bed. The whole day of Christmas, we spent with each other at home and talk, talk, talk. Until baby got to go home, he took 12.30 mid night coach back to Singapore. After sending him to the terminal, I go back to work, work and work.

I have to rush all the drawings and prepare it for Jiaho to animate it for our animatic. I'm so sick of drawing the same freaking old man! Just updating down here, now back to work!

11th of December (Tuesday)

Finally, first visit from my baby boy! Baby reached in the afternoon. Baby supposed to reach at 1pm, but as usual, KL’s traffics was fucking badly. I was so worried when I can’t contact him because his phone doesn’t have roaming. Oh hell, fortunately my baby arrived safely after getting a call from him at 3pm. Baby was too tired, so we decided to go home and take a rest.

In the evening, went to Alamanda with Mun and others because baby wanted to eat A&W. Nothing much for the night walked around and got mirror, shampoo and etc. Then late at night, after keep company baby to sleep, then start with my SRI.

12th of December (Wednesday)
We woke up late, because I slept late last night and baby was too tired because the night before he came, he was too excited and didn’t sleep at all. After dressed up, took baby to Old for brunch. Then we headed to Bintang Walk. Spent the whole day with him, just shopping and shopping and shopping! I was so happy that baby bought me a Dior Lipstick. Baby was so happy to get cigarettes in Malaysia, because is hell cheap for him. Then we went to Lowyat to get a pair of earpiece for my iPod. Fuck, it was so expensive, compare with the one I saw in Jusco in Bukit Tinggi. Then at night we went to KLCC for dinner. We took our dinner in Sushi King, we talked more than we eat. After dinner, baby bought two big cute cow shape pillows in lovely lace, and we named it ‘Moo Moo Boy and Moo Moo Girl’. We stepped out to the park for a smoke and baby was amazed with the fountain and KLCC building.

At home, after taking a nap with baby, I sneaked out of the room and continue with my SRI, because the deadline for report 3 is tomorrow, which means Thursday. I don’t actually know what am I doing for my SRI and don’t understand what am I suppose to do. I have to do all over again, because I did wrongly in report 1 and 2.

13th of December (Thursday)
I slept at 8.30 in the morning, so I woke up very late. I felt so sorry because I spent half a day to print and submit it to the lecturer. After I’ve rushed and wasted for mine and baby’s half freaking day, “WHAT THE FUCK?!” Emily and I damned pissed off after we saw a note pasted on Yuen May Chan’s door and written "Submission on 17th of December, before 2pm". HELL CRAP! 

In the evening, I brought baby to The Curve. Baby liked the place because he felt like in Singapore. In Ikano, baby enjoyed looking at the reptiles at Safari Pet Shop. After that he bought me a Vincci necklace in Ikano. Afterward we walked back to The Curve and I “accidentally” went to MANGO! And “oppss!” it’s SALES! I spotted a dress, very nice, and there’s S size too! But too bad, the queue to the fitting room was damned long! So I had no choice but to put it back. Till now, I still miss the dress and I’ll buy it if happen to bump with that dress again. The sweetest thing is baby did is, he surprised me with a vanilla coloured sling bag! He paid the bag when I wasn’t noticed him and suddenly appeared with the bag in a plastic bag. THANKS BABY! :)

Since we have nothing to do in The Curve, so we decided to catch a movie. That was so sweet, because after dating with baby so long, we never watch movie in the cinema before. We bought tickets for The Ferryman. While waiting for the movie to start and there was time to kill, we went to Kim Gary for dinner. Baby was shocked when he realised there’s ‘Smoking Area’ in an air conditioned restaurant. After dinner we sat for the movie. The movie wasn’t horror and violent, the storyline was pretty stupid. But we enjoyed the movie; after all it was still our first movie! On the way home, we bought McDonalds for supper. I wanted to stay up the whole night for baby, since it was baby’s last day here. We wanted to watch a movie on the internet, but unfortunately I felt asleep, actually I was trying to take a nap, but after that baby joined me to sleep. 

14th of December (Friday)
Today is baby and I 3rd month anniversary, but I wish this day never comes. We woke up in a very early morning, sad to see baby packing his stuff, because baby took early coach back to Singapore. On the way to the Pudu, baby laid his head on my lap while I drove. After we reached, I parked my car. Since there was time to kill, I kept hugging baby tightly. I really don’t want him to go back to Singapore, but due to his work and family, he had to. We hugged and tears and kissed and hugged and tears and kissed until baby really got to go. Baby sent me off to my car, and seeing baby walked off is the worst feeling I ever had, as if I can’t breath and my heart was ache. And this feeling comes every month; whether I leave Singapore or baby leaves Malaysia. 


After baby went back, I went back to Cyberjaya. The apartment was so empty and quiet. I was laying down the whole day but couldn’t fall asleep and I did not eat for the whole day. My head just filled with CHUA EUGENE, CHUA EUGENE and CHUA EUGENE! I miss him very badly.

When I first moved into my apartment here in Cyberjaya, the first thing on my mind was to clean the house because it was filthy and in a big mess. After finishing up with cleaning, I went to sleep because it was so tiring and I couldn't take it anymore. After disappointing Emily for many times, telling her that I'll move in soon, I finally did move in due to the sake of my homework, so it'll be more convenient for me instead of traveling up and down from school back to Klang.


Oh well, nothing much, just updating.

Why? Because the whole yesterday was fucked up.

See, it is bad enough for me to have my internet connection cut off, makes it impossible for me to do my homework at home. Before I left my groupmate's house, I told her to inform me once she has done the concept board so I could go to a Jenni's house nearby and download the picture and then go home to complete it with colour. And even at 11pm, she hasn't messaged me, I was worried because I'm afraid that Jenni will be sleeping soon due to work the next day. Only until around 11.30 then I got a message from her saying "Finished long ago already, waiting for you to download it". I was furious at that moment because she forgot to send me a message to tell me that she has completed the drawing.

I rushed downstairs, only to find my car missing. My elder brother had taken my car out to go for a drink. Though I was fumming mad, I thought I had an alternative. Before that, I called my dad, asking what time he'll be home. He raised his voice at me and scolded me that he'll be back at 10. But look at the time, it's already 11.30!! I don't have a car, how to go to my friend's house?! It's not like I could easily get a cab or walk there, it's already so late and it's not safe to be wandering around alone. 

I haven't given up until my sister's boyfriend came, I thought I could ask him to give me a lift there. But then, only to disappoint and to upset me, Jenni already went to bed. There was really no way I could do my homework and it was due tomorrow afternoon. Even if I woke up extra early and head down to my groupmate's house and back home to colour (because only my computer has the tools), I seriously doubt that there'll be sufficient time.

Baby eugene called me, I let out everything to him, I was screaming and crying so badly. I was so angry at everyone because things were just so fucked up at that point of time. He was suggesting ways to help me with the homework but I guess, he too couldn't find a way  because it was just impossible. 

To add to my misery, I was very exhausted and lethargic because I stayed up very late just to finish my proposal the night before and slept in the wee hours of morning. I woke up at 9.20 and I had slept for less than 6 hours. My eyes were tired and swallon, my mind was tired. I was wide awake the whole day, trying my very best to do my part for the group. But it seems that everyone was just lazing around and not really being serious about it.

Really feel thankful that baby called and talked to me. He was trying to comfort me and suggest what I should do the next day. Without him, I can't imagine what would happen because I was just so very angry.